Late Sleeper Cell (prose)

The profile data-bot scanned all accounts to create a list of late sleeping “nooners” who do not turn on their cell phones until late in the day

Doing so enables the intelligence community to identify people who might not be working nine to five jobs and people who might be up late because of terrorist activity

Investigators could then extract a list of all phone numbers ever called or received by these individuals

Special attention would be paid to calls sent or received from individuals known to be unpatriotic

Once this raw information is at hand, coupon clearinghouse data and supermarket computers could be checked to see if any of these characters had ever purchased unusual combinations of things such as American flags and butane lighters

If such combinations were found, then the cell phones of suspect individuals could be tapped within ten seconds in order to protect America

ATM and credit card transactions combined with parking ticket data could then provide address profiles showing the movements of these late sleepers in order to identify other late sleepers with dark profiles regardless of race, creed or color

Cameras mounted at every street corner and building entrance could then be programmed to seek out any pedestrian wearing a particular style of turban and sandals associated with previous acts of late sleeper cells who committed suicide

Each camera would take note to determine when particular suspects had failed to trim their beards and would then generate rude junk mail from assorted razor companies

Cheap disposable RFID tags imbedded in discarded Barbosol shaving cream cans would alert radio frequency electronic ID readers on garbage trucks to see if Ali Babwah from Pakistan had recently shaved, attempting to change his appearance

This information coupled with reports from neighbors that Babwah is a terrorist could be combined as a powerful tool to safeguard all Americans, providing immediate updates to the profiles of citizens found in the unAmerican master file

Dogs patrolling every neighborhood would be fitted with supercool Secret Service earphones and sunglass disguises along with GPS receivers and hidden video cameras

The dogs would be in touch with Operations controllers who would send them on missions to suspect hideouts

The dogs could be programmed to provide video surveillance at any location or simply bark all day as a means to provide sleep deprivation to suspected sleeper cells

These and other technical advancements will make it possible to get a good night's sleep knowing that America is not in bed with the great Satan.

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© Vincent B. Rain

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